Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
